Beasts: The Dummy

‘The Dummy’ is the only rubber beast of Nigel Kneale's series, a character in a popular and endless series of  low budget horror films. Inside the grotesque costume is a man (Bernard Horsfall) who has come to identify more with the monstrous Dummy than the people around him, most of whom use him ruthlessly for their own ends.

Alcoholic, tired, hot, trapped, the actor’s life is falling messily apart and the final kick in the teeth comes when his wife (sexy Patricia Maynard) leaves him for his co-star, an absolute grade one twatpot played with aplomb by smooth, supercillious, infuriatingly smug Simon Oates. Faced with this latest humiliation, he does what any drunk and disintergrating bloke in a monster suit would do and goes on a kill crazy rampage…

Well written (of course), well acted, ‘The Dummy’ is a very talky piece of drama, but that’s not a bad thing: the characters have a lot to say. Kneale may very well be having a pop at Hammer in the basic elements of the set up, but the bulk of the drama isn’t really about horror, or at, least, not the supernatural – all the nasty things here are painfully human, the most horrible horror of all.  

Beasts: What Big Eyes

‘What Big Eyes’ was the penultimate episode of the superb Nigel Kneale written series ‘Beasts’, and was originally shown on 13^th November, 1976.

A young Michael Kitchen plays an idealistic RSPCA inspector who discovers a mad scientist (Patrick Magee) who conducts inhumane experiments on wolves, believing them to be mankind’s true ancestors. The scientist’s goal is to become a lycanthrope and, although his work will eventually kill him, he is convinced that, on death, he will turn into a werewolf.

A slow burning episode with a subtle but subliminally shocking denouement, ‘What Big Eyes’ is perhaps the lowest key episode of the series, a subtle psychological drama totally dominated by a wild eyed performance from the reliably out there Patrick Magee. Magee was one of the most incredibly intense actors to ever grace stage and screen, his performances are often almost incoherently angry. He died from a massive heart attack at the age of 60: I’m surprised his ticker actually held out that long.

Beasts: Baby

'Baby' is the fourth episode of Nigel Kneale's 1976 ITV series 'Beasts'. I also think it's the best.

When a young married couple move into an old cottage they are surprised to find a sealed pot in the chimney breast containing, well, no-one can really tell, not even the husband who is a vet. They both agree it's pretty horrible, though, especially the pregnant wife, who feels it is something unspeakably evil that must be destroyed.

Local yokels working on the cottage fill in the details: it's a witches familiar, a nasty creature conjured up by black magic - and it needs getting rid of, fast, before its owner comes to collect it...

The creepiest episode in the series, it does what Kneale does best: slowly and surely building tension and foreboding before providing a terrifying and chilling denouement. The first time I saw this I actually had to turn the light on before I went to bed. Luckily, when I did, there was nothing being suckled in the corner of the room. 

Beasts: Buddyboy

'Buddyboy', the third episode in Nigel Kneale's 1976 ITV series 'Beasts' is probably the least believable of the series, and, as its story concerns the vengeful ghost of a performing dolphin, it's possibly the silliest as well. Kneale's unbelievable and silly is still streets ahead of others logical and heavy, however, and, as usual, he's absolutely right - any dolphin dragged from the wide open sea and forced to do tricks in a tiny pool in a shitty part of London would be pretty ticked off, even beyond the grave.

Martin Shaw plays Dave, a bubble permed porn magnate in the making who wants the abandoned dolphinarium as the latest outpost in his burgeoning smut empire; Pamela Moiseiwitsch (great name) is the strange young woman seemingly possessed by the titular mammal.

Beasts: During Barty's Party

A remote cottage, an unhappily married couple, an inane DJ, and 10,000 angry rats. Nigel Kneale at his dramatic best in this brilliant episode of 'Beasts'.

Beasts: Special Offer

Noreen (Pauline Quirke) is rather an unfortunate young woman. Apart from her awful name, she is overweight, myopic, spotty, lank, clumsy, socially inept and shit at applying make up. Her father is dead, her mother is an invalid, and she works in Briteway, a low grade supermarket run by a lecherous, bullying manager who thinks she is a 'stupendous, giant sized unrepeatable drag' and wants her out of his shop a.s.a.p. Unfortunately for him, Noreen is not only in love with him, but is in possession of latent psychic powers that are about to be unleashed upon his crappy, cut rate domain in the most surprising way.

'Special Offer' was the opening episode of Nigel Kneale's 'Beasts', a six part ITV series that presented a series of unrelated stories loosely themed around the title. Kneale being Kneale, of course, the beasts are seldom from the animal kingdom and are, in some cases, merely the scapegoats for havoc caused by darker and far more complex forces.

This episode is notable for all sorts of reasons, but is especially recommended for Quirke's dopey, lumpy, deadly Noreen, for some excellent E.S.P special effects (peas popping in refrigerators; washing up liquid bottles springing leaks; exploding milk bottles, etc.) as well as giving us a number of long, lingering nostalgic looks at the brand names and packaging of yesteryear. Beware, though, you will end up fancying a tin of Coq au Vin 'Cook In Sauce'.