Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Dr. Who: Carnival Of Monsters










I love the Jon Pertwee era Doctor Who like mad, but I’m not a massive fan of ‘Carnival of Monsters’ or, indeed, of the creeping, cringing sensation I get as I watch it. Is it the sock puppet monsters? The glam rock Bacofoil outfits? The insistently unsuccessful attempts at comic relief? Well, yeah, it’s all of that, but it’s mainly because Jon Pertwee doesn’t seem to be bothered, and that makes everything a bit stilted and sad.

Granted the freedom by the Timelords to take the TARDIS wherever he fancies, the Doctor heads for the beautiful blue planet of Metebelis 3 (a running joke in several stories is how he never quite gets there - and, when he finally does, it's bloody awful). Instead of going on holiday, however, he and Jo find themselves stuck in a futuristic contraption called a Miniscope, sort of a cross between a zoo and a ‘What The Butler Saw’ machine. There’s a Cyberman in there (the closest Pertwee came to one as an incumbent Doctor), an Ogron, and a load of vicious, drooly, shouty rubber dragon monsters called the Drashig. There’s also a British ocean liner populated by a group of awfully posh idiots who haven't noticed they are living the same day in 1926 over and over.

Outside of the miniscope a depressingly unfunny diplomatic incident is taking place between the miniscopes owner Vorg and his scatty asistant (grumpy old Leslie Dwyer and Cheryl Hall) and a race of pompous, squabbling bureaucrats who look like Sam the bald eagle from The Muppets and really get on your tits, although there is a good bit where one of their rubber skull caps goes a bit awry.

The Doctor and Jo have to basically get out of the Miniscopee before it blows up or is destroyed by the blue bonced powers that be, and this takes the best (worst?) part of two hours. Oh dear. Not so much a carnival as a tatty fairground sideshow.

Only ever mildly diverting, occasionally awful ‘Carnival of Monsters’ seems in many ways to herald the end of the very best of the Pertwee era, although he would continue in the role for another couple of years. There was something special about the Doctor being exiled to Earth, something unique and absolutely right for the time. Maybe Pertwee knew that as he just doesn't seem that into it, and looks weary and unmoved throughout. He's normally such a good reactor, for example, so much so that he quite often goes over the top. Here, his first sighting of the Drashig doesn't even warrant an arched eyebrow.




Later on, he has another go, and does a bit better, but it's still pretty lazy by his superlative standards.




It's just not like him to be so non-commital.

Sunday, 19 May 2013

The Wrestling


I love The Wrestling, the proper, sweaty, fat, hairy middle aged men pretending to be in agony wrestling. And look at those prices! Book then to avoid disappointment.  

Saturday, 18 May 2013

An Appalling Amalgam


God knows I love Pete Walker films, even the dodgy ones, but 'The Flesh & Blood Show' just doesn't do it for me, which is awful, as all the component parts are there, they're just badly and lazily bolted together.

The action all takes place at Eastcliffe On Sea (actually Cromer in Norfolk), where a group of young, hairy actors are brought together by a mysterious production company to improvise a play that will apparently be staged in the West End at some point (the bits we see are awful, so it would probably have been a very short engagement). The rehearsal space is an abandoned pier and, because they're skint, the lads and lasses of the company kip there as well. It's a cold, damp, eerie place, and something bad happened there that no-one can quite remember.

One by one, the girls disrobe and get murdered, and then everyone else looks shifty and nutty in order to satisfy a daft twist ending that could have made sense if it hadn't been so badly botched. Walker seems to lost his way entirely at times: virtually every opportunity for a decent sequence is compromised by poor editing or filming, or, in dramatic terms, relies on the most incredibly illogical behaviour. It's horror by numbers, random numbers at that, and he's so much better than that.Also, for a film that runs for a 100 minutes, it's also extremely slack, and the last half an hour, including a final 3D flashback (the 'Scooby Doo' moment of explanation), is interminable.

It has a fair cast (the silky voiced and always likeable Ray Brooks, foxy Luan Peters, Jenny Hanley, Candace Glendenning, sexy Jane Cardew), good music, a great location and the germ of an idea, but it never flowers into anything decent. Balls.

Here's the trailer.

The Flesh and Blood Show









Friday, 17 May 2013

Whiny Dancer


‘Die Screaming, Marianne’ is a difficult film to categorise in many ways but, at heart, it’s a good old fashioned Victorian melodrama, albeit one with mod accoutrements and a heroine who works as a go go dancer.
Susan George plays Marianne ‘Hips’ MacDonald, a troubled dollybird on the run from secrets and a weird family set up (Mum is dead; half-sister hates her; Father likes his daughters a little too much). Poor Marianne believes the only thing she has going for her is her lithe body and, as a result, she freely donates it to interested parties on a regular basis. When things become complicated, she moves on, packing her pathetic little bag, slipping on her Dr, Scholl’s and moving on like a pouting, bra-less Littlest Hobo. To be honest, to use the parlance of the period, she's a bit of a drag, man. 
Her main issue is that she has the account number of a Swiss safety deposit box in which her late mother stored a number of incriminating documents about her father and, Dad, a defrocked (or whatever) Judge wants them back. Her half-sister, Hildegard (played by super skinny Judy Huxtable, soon to become Mrs. Peter Cook) just wants Maz dead, especially as she is due to inherit a lot of money on her imminent 21st birthday, money that will go to Hildegard if little Marianne is out of the way.
The film bobs along nicely for a while but, in the end, becomes a bit frenzied and confusing, albeit in an extremely languid way. I have heard that the shoot was complicated by bad behaviour from the young leads and this led to beleagured director Peter Walker having to rip several pages out of the script just to keep to schedule. That’s a shame, because although I enjoy random stabbings, car crashes, people (well, Chris Sandford, an actor I find detestable) falling down a hole and being left to die and, in particular, attempted murder by super hot sauna, ‘Die Screaming…’ never lives up to the promise of its credit sequence where Marianne, clad only in a spangly bikini and a few chains, frugs like a funky puppet to Cyril Ordanel’s groovy theme tune. If it did, we might have had something halfway decent, but it doesn't, and that's all there is it to it, I'm afraid.

Die Screaming, Marianne!