Interesting Postcards

Ullapool Mercury Motor Inn,

Rosshire, Scotland,

Telephone: Ullapool 2314

Ah, Ullapool, gateway to the Outer Hebrides.  If you should miss the Isle of Lewis ferry, however, you can always stay the night at the Mercury Motor Inn* although please be aware that getting pissed on Youngers Tartan Ale the night before can seriously impair your sea going experience.

* Please note: this hotel is now called the Morefield, and its number is 01854 612161.

Fantastic Night Of Terror

‘Devil Girl From Mars’ is part of the obscure British sub-genre of ‘sci fi films set in Scotland’ (see also ‘Island of Terror’ and ‘Night Of The Big Heat’. In these masterworks, aliens tend to treat Scotland as a testing ground for their various wacky attempts to conquer the Earth, seeing it as essentially a smaller, less populated, more remote and much more picturesque place to do business. It is telling that they very rarely meet actual Scottish people, as clearly even the briefest of encounters with this extremely brave, extremely chippy race would tip the invaders off that conquest would be significantly easier said than done.

The Devil Girl of the title is Nyah, a haughty space vixen who has come to Earth in an extraordinary outfit that can perhaps be best described as a principal boy costume for the Nazi Party panto (well, that was the best way I could describe it). In true fifties style, she's travelled all the way across the galaxy to get a bloke. Lots of blokes, in fact, as the battle of the sexes on Mars has led to a female victory and a crushing defeat for the martian men who, feeling particularly bad about the whole thing, have now become impotent, hence the requirement for British men, the best men in the Universe. Like lots of aliens, however, Nyah doesn't understand that it doesn't have to be all command and conquer, especially if you've got something to trade with. My point is, I suppose, that Nyah is just really stroppy all the time. In fact, she's prety rude and kind of a drag. Under normal circumstances, I'd bet some Earthmen would jump at the chance for a shagging trip to Mars but, with her attitude, it's just going to seem like a pain in the arse waiting to happen. It's bad management.  

In any case, the snatch and grab isn’t exactly going to plan, as Nyah’s spaceship has had to park up in the Highlands due to a fault. Luckily there’s an inn nearby filled with people she can boss about and she has a big robot if anyone gets out of line. In order to demonstrate the awesome power of the man in the silver box, sorry, the robot, Nyah has it destroy a tree, a car and a shed with its inbuilt laser. Why? All it needed to do was destroy one of those things, I mean, no-one is going to watch the tree glow with heat and then disappear and think 'that's a formidable weapon, but I'll bet it only works on trees' are they? It's just showing off, and, once again, demonstrates why Nyah will ultimately end up in a big ball of flame. Oh balls, I've given the ending away. I was pretty much spent anyway. 

Minor quibbles aside, I'd like to give 'Devil Girl From Mars' one of my highest accolades: it's a hoot.

Devil Girl From Mars

Island Of The Burning Damned

‘Night Of The Big Heat’ was known as ‘Island Of The Burning Damned’ in the USA, a ridiculously hyperbolic title for what is, unfortunately, a terribly tedious film.

Set on the remote Orkney Isle of Fara (actually uninhabited since the sixties), the premise is quite intriguing: the island is experiencing an incredible heat wave which has put all the phones out of order, killed all the sheep and left all the men with enormous sweat patches. That sort of weather is unusual enough for Scotland, of course, but it’s absolutely unheard of in November.

Stupefied from the heat, the villagers mainly gather around the local pub and bicker with each other. Peter Cushing is there, inexplicably wearing a jacket that looks like it’s just had a bucket of water thrown over (take it off, Peter, just take it off). Visiting rude twat scientist Christopher Lee is up to something strange, but is too rude and twattish to let the islanders in on it. The pub landlord (Patrick Allen, always good value) is also a writer, and his life is complicated by the arrival of his ex-lover, who is posing as his secretary and spends most of her time exposing parts of herself to him. As if it wasn’t bloody hot enough. It doesn't sound a lot on paper, but I had high hopes for it.

From here on in, however, the film very, very, very slowly degenerates into something extremely dull indeed. There are half a dozen deaths and, ultimately, a dynamite attack on an extraterrestial race who resemble rocks with lights in them but it’s all done at such a draggy pace that even the supposedly exciting climax is like watching the proverbial pigment grow parched. In the end,  it starts to rain and the hot rocks, having travelled thousands of light years to take over our world, are killed by it. Yes, that’s right, aliens who can be killed by rain decided to start their invasion of Earth in Scotland. Idiots.

From the same crazy fools who brought us the magnificently titled ‘Island of Terror’, ‘Night of The Big Heat’ has no particular real reason to be so dull, it just is. Perhaps the temperature got to them all.

Some notes on Patrick Allen:

Allen is a proper old school actor. He’s not particularly good at the dramatic stuff, but he has a wonderful, sonorous voice and a very expressive physiognomy. His straight face is so straight it’s almost funny, which is why he keeps it mobile. I never believe that he believes it, he's just glad to be there. In this film, there’s a scene where he’s driving along and he just seems full of childlike joy, as if he can’t quite believe that someone is paying him to kiss girls and attack aliens and pretend to be driving along. There’s no method for Patrick, his motivation is that it’s his job, and it's fun. He specialises in capable, rough hewn types who ladies like and men respect, the sort of man who can tie knots, rig up a generator, make a boat out of a fallen tree and smoke a hundred cigarettes and kill a dozen Germans before breakfast, all whilst wearing extremely tight trousers. I miss him.

The 'V's

A tremendous incidental detail from 'Children Of The City' (1944). Some small children welcome the Army to Dundee.

Portrait Of A People

007: A Typical Scottish Child. 

Nowhere To Hide

For about half its running time 'A Lonely Place To Die' is fantastic: weird, unexpected, exciting. It slowly becomes more of a conventional action thriller, however, and although it never becomes boring, it can't sustain the disquieting mystery of its beginning.

Filmed in the beautiful wild parts of Scottish Highlands around Inverness,it begins with a dizzying near fatal mountaineering accident, then takes a strange turn when the climbing group discover a pipe buried in a remote part of the woods. The pipe leads to a large wooden box and the box, horribly, to an imprisoned ten year old girl. The girl can't speak English, so she is unable to tell them how she got there, but it is clear that she's not playing hide and seek. It's also fairly obvious that the people behind her interment didn't want her to be found - oh, and they must be completely amoral, ruthless and extemely dangerous bastards.

The rest of the film details the group's desperate attempts to get back to civilisation, all the while pursued by two thwarted kidnappers who will stop at nothing to get back their 'property', including killing everybody they come across. 

Genuinely thrilling in places, the narrative doesn't run out of steam so much as slowly drift off the beaten track and find itself on the main road and heading towards a relatively straightforward destination. It has style, though, and much else to recommend it. It's also more likely to be on a telly near you soon than our usual fare, so you can check it out for yourself although, please note, I do not rewrite stuff if you don't agree with me.

A Lonely Place To Die

Portrait Of A People

006: A Shetland Islander knits.

Up Helly Aa

As any Shetland Islander will tell you, they are as much Scandinavian as Scottish (listen to their accents!), and this is reflected in Up Helly Aa, a fire festival held each year where brawny men parade through the streets in horned and winged helmets and pretty much anything that will catch alight is set alight. It's not a particularly old tradition (it started in 1880) but, by Odin, they really go for it.

It's tonight, by the way, so I should probably have mentioned it a few days ago as, even for Scottish readers, Shetland may be quite a trek. Sorry.

Megaliths

Some of the striking ancient monuments to be found in the most northerly part of these British Isles, the Shetland Islands.

Soul Ballet

I was only vaguely aware of 'The Omega Factor' until reminded of it over at the marvellous 'Spectral Dimension'. The series was on too late for my 11 year self to watch, and sneaked out on DVD, so I can perhaps be forgiven for the omission.

It's an intriguing show, a sort of supernatural 'Doomwatch', but more muddled and ambiguous and with an added story arc concerning conspiracy and emerging psychic powers. It only ran for ten episodes and left more questions than answers, but it had something and is well worth tracking down.

With regard to the clip, it's not terribly important for you to know the context, other than that the outcome is a matter of life or eternal damnation.

The Omega Factor