Lifeforce

'Lifeforce' is a mostly enjoyable adaptation of Colin Wilson's classic novel 'Space Vampires'. In it, a space shuttle mission is interrupted by the discovery of a huge, seemingly abandoned space craft of alien origin. When the crew board the hulk, they discover hundreds of dead space bats and three naked humanoids in a state of suspended animation. Their genitals are thoughtfully obscured but the sole female (Mathilda May) is very beautiful indeed and has perfect breasts, and we are allowed full sight of these, which is a fatal mistake as they become pretty much all we can see and, when they disappear about forty five minutes in, all we can think about is when we will see them again. Indeed, if I close my eyes I can see them now *closes eyes*

As it goes on, the film becomes less interesting and slightly chaotic, especially in the semi-hysterical finale in which vampirism  has infected London and is driving people to barbaric acts of public unrest, and our uninspiring American hero (Steve Railsback) has to strip off and kiss the sexy naked vampire lady a lot in order purely to get her into a position where he can stab her with a special anti gorgeous bloodsucker sword, killing her, saving the world, but sacrificing himself. Good, the man's an idiot.

There are some excellent actors in the cast (Jerome Willis, Frank Finlay, Patrick Stewart, the superb Aubrey Morris), although Peter Firth is miscast as a tough SAS officer. There was also clearly some money spent on the production, and the special effects are generally very good if rather derivative of both 'Alien' and 'Raiders Of The Lost Ark'. There's even a promising plot line about the vampires having visited Earth on a cyclical basis for centuries but this doesn't really develop into anything interesting. Ultimately, however, all of those positive points are totally irrelevant in the scheme of things: this film is all about the ancient space vampire's stupendously attractive chest and the rest, a mysterious celestial body well worth getting bitten on the neck for.

Thinking about it, perhaps not the best film to come back with. I don't want you thinking I've had some sort of breakdown and am now obsessed with knockers, especially as a couple of next week's posts are about Linda Hayden.

Out Of The Darkness

'Out Of The Darkness' is a surprisingly effective Children's Film Foundation mash up of 'Lost Hearts' and 'The Wickerman' set in delightful Derbyshire. It was written and directed by John Krish, an under-rated stalwart of domestic film and TV who is personally responsible for a number of iconic moments in British culture, not least of which some great documentaries and chilling public information films like 'The Finishing Line' and 'Last Minute'.

The story concerns three annoying kids on holiday who, one by one, see the ghost of a boy from the 17th century. The boy was an inhabitant of Eyam, a nearby village stricken by the black death when a contaminated roll of cloth was sent up to the local tailor from that London, causing an outbreak that eventually killed 75% of the inhabitants. Bravely, the village chose to quarantine itself and wait out its fate (this all actually happened, by the way, making Eyam is an extremely interesting place to visit). In this story, however, one young man escaped, only to be driven to his death by the terrified inhabitants of the next village. Once every hundred years, his unquiet, dirty faced spirit returns in search of redemption and a Christian burial.

Atmospheric, very occasionally hallucinatory, the film benefits by surefooted direction and by being a lot grimmer than the CFF's usual knockabout fare. The Derbyshire landscape, with its wide open spaces and dark confined places is nicely exploited, and there's a genuine sense of mild panic as the story reaches it's climax although, perhaps in order to stop any potential nightmares in its youthful audience, the film ends happily and with a big old tea party. Good stuff, and nice looking sandwiches.