Dracula, Prince of Deadness

It's a convention of vampire films that Dracula starts dead, and ends up dead. In Hammer productions he is usually ended by a member of the Van Helsing family, but his nemesis can also be a callow youth or a monk who likes to warm his arse on an open fire. In 'Taste The Blood Of Dracula' he just gets giddy from being in a church and falls off a ledge. Fact is, Dracula is very much a bully. He's cock of the walk when biting young, vulnerable girls, but he crumbles when faced with any real opposition. Literally. That said, he'll be back. He always comes back.  

RIP, Sir Christopher, you pompous old marvel. See you again soon.

Lifeforce

'Lifeforce' is a mostly enjoyable adaptation of Colin Wilson's classic novel 'Space Vampires'. In it, a space shuttle mission is interrupted by the discovery of a huge, seemingly abandoned space craft of alien origin. When the crew board the hulk, they discover hundreds of dead space bats and three naked humanoids in a state of suspended animation. Their genitals are thoughtfully obscured but the sole female (Mathilda May) is very beautiful indeed and has perfect breasts, and we are allowed full sight of these, which is a fatal mistake as they become pretty much all we can see and, when they disappear about forty five minutes in, all we can think about is when we will see them again. Indeed, if I close my eyes I can see them now *closes eyes*

As it goes on, the film becomes less interesting and slightly chaotic, especially in the semi-hysterical finale in which vampirism  has infected London and is driving people to barbaric acts of public unrest, and our uninspiring American hero (Steve Railsback) has to strip off and kiss the sexy naked vampire lady a lot in order purely to get her into a position where he can stab her with a special anti gorgeous bloodsucker sword, killing her, saving the world, but sacrificing himself. Good, the man's an idiot.

There are some excellent actors in the cast (Jerome Willis, Frank Finlay, Patrick Stewart, the superb Aubrey Morris), although Peter Firth is miscast as a tough SAS officer. There was also clearly some money spent on the production, and the special effects are generally very good if rather derivative of both 'Alien' and 'Raiders Of The Lost Ark'. There's even a promising plot line about the vampires having visited Earth on a cyclical basis for centuries but this doesn't really develop into anything interesting. Ultimately, however, all of those positive points are totally irrelevant in the scheme of things: this film is all about the ancient space vampire's stupendously attractive chest and the rest, a mysterious celestial body well worth getting bitten on the neck for.

Thinking about it, perhaps not the best film to come back with. I don't want you thinking I've had some sort of breakdown and am now obsessed with knockers, especially as a couple of next week's posts are about Linda Hayden.

Sexually Rampant Ghouls

US director Andy Milligan (1929 – 1991) is something of a legend in exploitation circles, a sort of mod Ed Wood. His films, half of which are lost, veer crazily between sex and horror and sleaze and are characterised by low budgets, poor acting and the stilted awfulness that signals the disconnect between ambition and talent.  But he made about thirty films, and you have to applaud his resolve, not to mention his sheer bloody nerve.  

‘The Body Beneath’ (1970) was one of several films Milligan made in London in the late sixties. It’s basically a retelling of ‘Dracula’ but with some very soft porn elements and an interesting twist: the vampires all belong to the same family, and the head vampire is obsessed with refreshing the degenerating blood line. It isn’t what you’d call a good film but I’ve seen a lot worse. A lot, lot worse. The basics are there: some fantastic locations (‘filmed in the graveyards of England’), occasionally  interesting camera angles and some halfway decent performances (Gavin Reed is particularly notable as Algernon Ford, the chief blood sucker, although he does remind me a lot of Reece Shearsmith from ‘The League of Gentlemen’). There’s a bit of sex, a splash of gore and a hunchback has his hands nailed to a post before being set on fire.

Strangely for this sort of film it isn’t at all boring (it’s too choppy for that), although the script makes no sense and the climactic party of the undead is rendered fairly incomprehensible by an optical effect that detracts from the action. The green faced vampires are nice, however, and, overall, it’s an interesting attempt at reinterpreting the vampire mythology on a shoestring budget and a soupcon of talent.     

The Body Beneath

Suckers

‘Incense For The Damned’ is a film of contrasts: it’s annoying and boring. As a yardstick of just how badly it all turned out, Robert Hartford-Davis (the director of ‘Gonks Go Beat’) actually tried to have his name removed from it. In the end, it was delayed for a couple of years, re-edited (seemingly with a bread knife in the dark) by the studio and stuck out for a couple of weeks in 1970 as a supporting feature before disappearing, only re-emerging in the 1990’s as a BBC1 Friday night film favourite (I have a theory that the regular showing of this film is a Corporation in-joke).

Based on the book ‘Doctors Wear Scarlet’ by Simon Raven, ‘Incense…' (also known as ‘Bloodsuckers’) tells the story of a promising Oxford Classics student (Patrick Mower, the walking nostril) who has an illustrious academic career and a good marriage all mapped out for him by his mentor (Peter Cushing, wasted) until he embarks on a field trip to Crete where he becomes the mindless suck bag of a busty Mediterranean vampire, Chriesis (Imogen Hassall, slathered in so much fake tan that she looks like permanently dirty 'Playschool' doll Hamble).

Cushing sends two men to bring Mower home and, before you know it, there’s a whole lot of donkey riding, a papier mache rock slide and a near seven minute orgy scene with a freakbeat soundtrack that is probably the best part of the film but does not appear in all the versions. Ultimately, busty vampire dispatched, Mower is returned to Oxford, only to prove publicly and bloodily that vampirism is not cured by simply a good talking to and a change of scenery…

Not a good film by any standards, one can only hope that the cast and crew enjoyed their holiday. Here's the best bit...

Incense For The Damned AKA Bloodsuckers

Shocking! Horrifying! Macabre!

‘The Kiss Of The Vampire’ (1963) was Hammer’s second ‘no Dracula’ Dracula sequel, even dispensing this time with the Van Helsing character.

In this film, a honeymooning couple visit romantic Bavaria, only to fall under the baleful influence of a creepy patriarch and his equally odd kids who live in a scary castle. Make no mistake, this family are vampires, but they are also presented as decadents, devil worshippers and sexual perverts – the neck biting seems to have developed as a sideline.

Without Van Helsing, the vanquishing duties fall to the dour Professor Zimmer (Clifford Evans), a man who has made a lifetime study of the occult and is part professor, part magus. The scene where he interrupts a funeral to plunge a sharpened shovel into the coffin is brilliant, especially when the blood starts to seep out. It is Zimmer’s arcane knowledge that saves the day when he utters an incantation that turns the castle occupants evil against them and they are immediately engulfed in a cloud (the correct plural term, fact fans) of hungry bats. These bats, poorly animated for long shots, rubber and on strings for close ups, make the film’s climax a pretty silly affair but don’t mar the enjoyment of this minor but rather charming entry in the Hammer catalogue.

Kiss of the Vampire

Meet The Wives

Hammer’s sequel to the hugely successful ‘Dracula’ (1958) proved problematic to put together, not least because star Christopher Lee refused to participate, not wanting to be typecast (don’t worry, he’ll be back). As a result, the script was reshaped to feature a new vampire menace, Baron Meinster, as well as a coterie of busty female acolytes. Happily, Peter Cushing returned as the steely Van Helsing. I absolutely love Peter Cushing.

‘Brides of Dracula’ is actually terribly good, building an atmosphere of pure gothic and throwing up some darkly interesting ideas about dysfunctional families and the sex appeal of evil. Baron Meinster is noticeably younger, more vulnerable and better looking than Count Dracula, for instance, and cat nip to the ladies, which makes him a frequent and welcome visitor to the conveniently situated girls school next to his castle.

Meinster (played by the slightly camp David Peel, who made one more film appearance and then went off to become an antiques dealer) makes vampirism seem part of a cycle of abuse – a victim compelled to do to others what was done to him; to exploit trust and love to satisfy his own perverted lusts; to use his curse as a punishment (he tries to turn Van Helsing into a vampire, but VH cauterises the wound with a combination of molten silver and holy water).

Full of toothy ladies, looming shadows, gloomy woods and some striking set pieces (the finale, with a flaming windmill used as a giant crucifix, is superb) ‘Brides of Dracula’ is an absolute classic and a credit to all concerned.

Just in case you were wondering what important and demanding project Christopher Lee decided to lend his talent to instead of ‘Brides of Dracula’, I can tell you: he played a bit part in the Jayne Mansfield chestploitation flick ‘Too Hot to Handle’. What a tit.

The Brides of Dracula

Vampire or Virgin?

In my experience (a couple of ginger kids at Uni; 'Goodbye, Gemini') there is always at least one evil twin. It's a tried and tested horror formula, of course, and some bright spark at Hammer had the idea of reviving it using the double charms of the Collinson twins, Madeleine and Mary (or is it the other way around?) Collinson, who had recently made their parents proud by being the first identical twin Playmates in history.

The third in Hammer's 'Karnstein' trilogy, the action in 'Twins Of Evil' actually takes place before 'The Vampire Lovers' and 'Lust For A Vampire', so is technically a prequel although, as you might expect, the continuity is all over the place.

Unsurprisingly, the twins flash a fair bit of flesh, are dubbed, and prove something of a handful for their upright guardian, Peter Cushing, a Puritan and Witch Hunter. It's a good role for Peter, and he makes the best of it, as does ex-Powell & Pressburger star Kathleen Byron as his equally messed about wife. Set your expectations to 'reasonable' and be prepared to be pleasantly surprised. 

Twins of Evil