Conceived By The Devil

As you might guess from the poster, ‘I Don’t Want To Be Born’ is ridiculous.

Joan Collins is a stripper in a crappy nightclub (in a parallel universe, Joan was a stripper in a crappy nightclub). For some reason, her dancing companion is a dwarf called Samson who, of course, fancies her. When she rejects his advances he curses her with the immortal words “You will have a baby...a monster! An evil monster conceived inside your womb! As big as I am small and possessed by the devil himself!"

It’s never explained quite what Samson’s credentials are to make such a statement, but it works, and soon Joan is giving birth to a 12lb baby who proceeds to scratch, bite, punch and head butt any adult stupid enough to look into its cot, before moving on to murder. Luckily there’s a nun in the family who is able to exorcise the unholy tot, but she’s too late to save the rest of the cast, who have been drowned, hanged, decapitated and stabbed with scissors en route.

The notion that a new born baby could beat and murder the adults who care for it is an interesting one: I mean, okay, even if it was possessed by the Devil and able to draw upon unnatural strength, what about the co-ordination and manual dexterity needed to, say, make a noose, sling it over a branch and hang an adult with it? I know babies, and they’re just far too floppy for all that. Even Damien didn’t start causing real problems until he was a toddler. So, yes, it’s ridiculous. Actually, it’s fucking ridiculous. I love it

I Don't Want To Be Born

Behind You!

As you might have guessed, I watch a massive amount of classic horror films. They entertain me, they fascinate me, they sustain me...but they very rarely scare me. 'The Innocents', however, terrifies me.

Everything about the film is oppressive and doom laden: the beautiful photography, the superb sound, great performances, fantastic sets, brilliant script, all perfectly assembled to be ever so slightly odd, ominous and imperfect to keep you off-balance throughout, quietly dreading what comes next. I've always found ghosts scarier than monsters, kids scarier than adults, Peter Wyngarde scarier than almost anybody, so 'The Innocents' ticks virtually every box on the creepy checklist for me.

In short, it's a masterpiece and,  rather than dissect what happens or blather on and give it all away, I urge the uninitiated to see it as soon as you possibly can - but for Christ's sake don't watch it alone, or in a darkened room where faces can suddenly appear at the window from outside. Really. We screamed like little girls.

The Innocents

The Eyes That Paralyze

Three years after 'Village...' a (sort of) sequel arrived, this time written without a source novel, and grittier and even more downbeat in its approach. 'Children Of The Damned' concerns a group of six eerie, hyper-intelligent kids from around the world who are brought to London to be prodded, probed and generally mucked about with. Unsurprisingly, they don't like the thought of this much and, using telepathy and their massive brains, hatch a plan to get away...

The Children this time are fairly ordinary looking and not so obviously alien, although the silent conversations they hold are pretty unsettling. At times, you even feel sorry for them, caught up in the midst of Cold War games and an uncomprehending, fearful world. It's thoughtful stuff, and extremely well done.

Children of the Damned

The Book Of The Film

Beware the Stare

'Village Of The Damned' is an absolute classic. When the small village of Midwich unexpectedly and inexplicably falls asleep for a day, everyone is baffled. The mystery takes a sinister turn when it becomes apparent that every woman in the village of child bearing age is pregnant. If that wasn't bad enough, the resulting children are decidedly...odd. And they're usually in a pretty shitty mood.  

Closely adapted from 'The Midwich Cuckoos' by John Wyndham, it's an intelligent, brilliantly worked out drama and, if you haven't seen it, you really should. Don't make me turn my death eyes on.

Village of the Damned