From Just This Side Of Midnight

I don’t know whether recent allegations about Cliff Richard are true. My only response is that it wouldn’t surprise me, not because I have reason to particularly suspect him but because, in a world where Rolf Harris has been unmasked as a serial sex offender, I now lack the capacity to be shocked by further revelations. Anyway, Cliff fascinates me, and always has done, so I thought I’d look at some of his occasionally very odd oeuvre, today arriving in 1979, already twenty one years into his seemingly endless career.  

Here, Cliff is searching for a green light. He’s been looking for it all night. It’s one of his sleaziest records, ably complemented here by the addition of Hot Gossip in this performance from a 1979 episode of ‘The Kenny Everett Video Show’.

Cliff appears to be lost in a sensuous reverie but, ever the innovator, has clearly worked closely with choreographer Arlene Phillips to invent dogging. The torch wielding, goggle wearing, balaclava clad dancers bring an additional sinister note to the balefully lit proceedings. Cliff, clad all in black, is both victim and voyeur. He’s found half a dozen green lights tonight, and, one way or another, he is going to get fucked.

It's good to be back.

Oh, Norman!

Have you ever wondered what Norman Wisdom's arse looks like? Want to see him frugging and fugging along to a group called The Electric Banana (The Pretty Things) in a swinging nightclub called The Screaming Apple? Check. Want to see him dressed as Austin Powers? Check. Want to see him cop up with a promiscuous dolly bird half his age? Check. And you want to see all of this take place against a backdrop of swinging Southport? KER-CHING! 'What's Good For The Goose' has it all, and so much more besides.

Little Norman plays Timothy Bartlett, a London assistant bank manager who has a home in the suburbs, a wife, three kids and a tank full of tropical fish. He seems to like the fish best, perhaps because they're the most exotic thing in his life. When his boss dies suddenly, Timothy is expected to attend the annual conference at the Grand Hotel in Southport (it must be a fairly minor bank, there's only about ten of them there). Before he even gets there he has been accosted by two teenage hitch-hikers who spend the drive down messing about with his bowler hat, eating his sandwiches, licking his fingers and getting him done for speeding. He takes a shine to Nikki (Sally Geeson, in her film debut), especially when she shoves her bare leg inbetween his and pumps his accelerator.

When they get to Southport, they go their separate ways but Timothy finds himself thinking about Nikki throughout the day. In the evening, bored by the load of bankers he's supposed to be socialising with, he goes out to find her, eventually walking voluntarily into a psychedelic seaside world of free love, loud music, double whiskies and dancing like a monkey on a psychotropic banana diet. Little Norman looks so small and sweet and old as he jigs and jumps about, but then his most endearing qualities were always his total enthusiasm and the physical abandon he brought to every task. Nikki can't help but be impressed by Timothy's sudden dedication to the cause of 'in' and the fact that he has a hotel room rather than a sleeping bag under the pier, so she decides to go back with him and, after quite a lot of unfunny messing about, including a flash of the Wisdom pubes, they finally have sex. Probably: we don't see any of that, it's not quite that sort of film.

The following day, Norman claims to be ill so he can spend the day with Nikki. They do pretty much everything Southport has to offer, from amusement rides to having it off on the sands to skinny dipping (cue arse). The whole sequence seems to prove what I had surmised it would be like to have an affair with a much younger woman: exciting, but extremely tiring. Give me a woman who appreciates the value of a sit down and a nice cup of tea any day. Timothy thinks it's love, of course, and goes out and buys a load of mod gear and rents a flat for him and Nikki to live in, only for him to quickly realise that the free and easy attitude to sex that led her to sleep with him also means that she will sleep with others. Crushed, he calls his wife and asks her to join him.

When Mrs. Bartlett arrives he basically takes her through a whirlwind induction to what's happening, baby, kitting her out in hot pants and groovy sunglasses and doing all the things he did with Nikki (although the pants stay on during the swimming this time, which is a relief). His wife is, of course, pretty surprised at his behaviour but strangely unsuspicious. Timothy's a lot more fun this way, and Mrs. B scrubs up pretty well, so they're both happy. As they head home, it's clear that life will go on in much the same way for them, but with far more sex and a hipper wardrobe. Result!

'What's Good For the Goose' is a fairly harmless film, although a moderately more explicit version was released on (ulp) 'The Continent'. Much of its appeal, of course, depends on whether you like Norman Wisdom or not. Personally, I think he's great, although I prefer him with his kit on. Already playing against type as a banker, Norman goes fairly off piste here, although he does it in his usual guileless, gormless, 'gumpy' way. It takes him literally five minutes to decide to cheat on his wife, for instance, but he never comes across as immoral or self-serving - it's just Little Norman getting his end away and, as long as most of it is left to the imagination, who could object to that?*

* The British public objected to it. Norman didn't appear in another feature film for 21 years.

What's Good For The Goose



Hairy Britain

Some nice electronics on this 1973 adult education film, and loads of hair. NOT pubic.

One For The Ladies

Phwoar!

Real Wolves

The story of The Process Church is a strange, fascinating, scary one, but one told extremely well elsewhere, and from an insider’s perspective.  

A recent publication gathers together some of the Church’s quite astounding literature / propaganda, magazines that they hawked on the streets of London to raise funds. Brilliantly designed, philosophically challenging (to say the least), the publications were themed around the big questions of the day (indeed, of any day): Sex, Fear, Death…

The ‘Sex’ issue contains an interview with Jimmy Savile conducted in 1969, a little of which I’d like to reproduce here.

Q. Are you moral?

A. I would say that I am moral during the day, and even higherly moral during the evening but of course we won't say anything about the night time, because that is when all real wolves like myself rise from the darkness and leap about causing chaos left and right.

Q. What do you feel most strongly about?

A. Girls. I feel that they don't realise that I am here and available. When I see lovely young ladies walking about that don't take advantage of me, I think they are missing a great thing in their lives. This is why I keep getting my face slapped. Other than that I feel most strongly about getting back to nature, and I'm all for getting back to nature and my case comes up next Thursday.

His case, of course, didn't come up for another forty three years, at which point he was already dead.

Biology 103

A final selection from the 1975 BBC Schools programme 'Biology: Fertilisation'. Despite being nearly forty years old it remains current, especially in the way that the man who fathers the children is clearly not the same man who looks after them. I'm sure that there were some suppressed giggles in class at the time, but I found it very informative, especially as it helped me to finally understand how that kid who lives with us got here.

Biology 102

The rules of attraction, and wolves shagging. This is gold!

Valerie Leon, Desperate Housewife

A frustrated Valerie Leon prepares herself for a visit from local odd job man / village stud Barry Stokes in 1975 smutter 'The Up's and Down's Of A Handyman'. Imagine her disappointment when she discovers that Barry is indisposed and has sent Young Mr. Grace from 'Are You Being Served?' instead. What a waste of a negligee.

Don't worry, though, she (sort of) gets the right man in the end, and shows off even more lingerie. She certainly is game, I'll give her that.   

Biology 101

Some outer space imagery from the inner spaces of nature, taken from an old BBC Schools programme. Virtually every frame of the show is worth posting.

Man Failure

The National Coal Board knew the power of film, using it to communicate key messages like ‘you’ve never had it so good’ and ‘try not to die’ to the thousands of miners it employed. The format they used is not dissimilar to a Public information Film, but differs in two respects: these films were not for public broadcast, they were for miners only; as a result, they are far more explicit in terms of content, including graphic deaths, pram accidents, sexual situations and equal opportunities nudity.

A PIF might show a man at work on a circular saw, for example, racking up the tension before juxtaposing images and music or sound effects to imply that he has just cut his fingers off – an NCB film shows you the severed fingers, and the bloodied hand they’ve just been parted from.

Case in point: ‘Man Failure’ from 1971. In it, the NCB basically say ‘we’ve made it safe for you – try not to mess it up’, giving two stark examples of what happens if you don’t pay attention. In this first part, our victim is brooding on an unpleasant and violent argument he had with his wife that morning. The argument is her fault, of course, but it’s his job to forget about it while he’s work. He can’t, so ends up dead, extravagantly spitting blood as he falls. As for his wife, well, she should have known not to put such a burden on a working man, so now she’s a widow, mouthy cow.

In this second part, an older man is paired to work alongside a much younger man – a mistake initially made by the foreman, but fatally compounded by the old man who tries to keep pace with his more energetic colleague, and by the younger man, who is constantly distracting him with tall tales about picking up hippy chicks on his chopper, skinny dipping (cue nudity) and sex. When sudden, violent death comes to the old geezer, as it surely must, it’s actually a relief for us all, although not immediately for the poor man, who has to undergo some painful looking crushing first.

'Man Failure' is a well thought out and highly imaginative short film, professionally made and with a simple and uncompromising message: don't get married, don't get old and, for fuck's sake, don't get killed.

Shunters

Here's more madness from the 'Wheeltappers & Shunters Social Club' archive. The Leeways act is quite extraordinary, so I'll let you watch it without passing any comment other than to wonder how long it will take you to start speculating on their sex life.

You Thought You'd Seen It All

'Secrets Of Sex' is an amazing film, there's nothing quite like it. Director Anthony Balch had made early shorts about William Burroughs, but was equally at home in exploitation, importing arty horror films and re-titling them, and, in the case of 'Secrets Of Sex' (aka 'Bizarre') making a sneakily subversive film that just happened to feature lots of tits and bums.

Narrated by a reanimated Mummy, the film runs through genres and styles at speed, although the over arching theme is the perenial battle between the sexes. A lot of it doesn't make sense, some of it is poorly acted but, on form, it's fantastically entertaining and probably features more mottled, dimpled flesh than any other non-pornographic British film of the era. A box office sensation, it ran for six months at one West End cinema, but no data exists on how many of the audience were wearing macs. The good news: it's on DVD! 

You'll be wanting a clip, no doubt...here's one of the episodes, 'Strange Young Man' which amply demonstrates the odd, disjointed quality of this film as well as featuring some knockers.  

Secrets of Sex